Motivation what??

Ugh…

The whole purpose of starting this blog was all about trying to find motivation everyday to keep myself going.  I was just coming off of a huge depression and was really happy that I had started finding the positive side of life.  I was feeling better and wanted to share that with the world.

Yep, this is me. Except imagine pajama pants and mussed hair.

I haven’t posted in a while because I haven’t been feeling that motivated – or positive.  I’ve been feeling downright angry and sad.  I left frustrated behind a long time ago.  But this has to change.  I can’t keep feeling this way.  It certainly doesn’t make me a better mother or a better person, and though I’m really good at feeling sorry for myself for long periods of time – this is not a talent I want to work on.

So – my plan right now is to get out all of my frustrations in this post.  List them out as clearly as I can, and then say goodbye.  I plan to leave them behind and start making the changes I need in order to move past them – both literally and figuratively.  Wanna hear it?  Here it goes!

1. No money.  I literally have $10 left over after my bills are paid.  That leaves nothing to pay back the debts I owe, nor to do anything fun.  I don’t have TV.  I live in a trailer that my brother owns that he lets me and my family and I live in for free – thank God.
2. No real work.  I was doing some freelance work, but that fizzled out and so now I have nothing.  I have been looking for work, but there are a couple of problems with that.  For one, I live in the country and there aren’t a lot of jobs close by.  Decent jobs require at least a half hour drive if not more, which means they need to pay enough to make it worth the gas money and the frustration of traffic.  Second, I might send out 20 resumes and hear back on one and then wind up not getting a job.  I’ve been dealing with this for nearly a year and a half.  I have two college degrees and about 8 years of administrative/marketing experience.  I apply for other work like retail jobs or cashier or even fast food, and I never hear anything.  Gotta love this economy.
3. No real work for my husband either.  He has a degree in drafting and design and he specialized in architectural work.  Though he has a degree and 10 years of experience, he’s been out of work in his field for almost 3 years.  He makes pizza for a major chain and makes minimum wage.  He gets about 15 hours a week.  Again, our location makes it difficult, as does the fact that he’s been out of work for so long.  Same for me.
4. My weight.  I’m super fat.  More than 100 pounds overweight – the fattest I’ve ever been.  I diet, I try.  I’ll do good for like a month – I’ll lose about 5 pounds in the first couple of weeks and then level out for two weeks.  I start thinking how it’s going to take forever for me to lose the weight and maybe I’m just meant to be fat and why can’t I eat like I want to and the world can screw themselves – and I spend the next 2 months putting back the few pounds I lost – plus some.
5. My kids.  It isn’t so much the kids that frustrate me as feeling that I’m not doing as much for them as I should.  Growing up, my parents didn’t have a lot of money but I still remember taking family vacations and having a bunch of kids in my neighborhood to play with.  My kids don’t have that now.  My daughter’s friends all have cell phones, and I struggle to pay the bill for my own.  Not that I would necessarily even get her one if I could pay for it because I don’t think that 12 year olds need them, but I’d like to know that I could instead of constantly telling my kids – we can’t afford it.
6. My business – or lack thereof.  I have been trying, along with a friend, to start our own online business.  We have a lot of ideas and some stuff out there, but it seems like people get interested in our services, and then they decide they don’t actually want to pay for someone to do what we do.  This all ties back into the “no money” point mentioned above.  But it gets harder and harder to want to keep going when I’m not getting any financial return.  So I’m struggling with a decision of continuing to try to make my business happen and finding a regular job.

Basically I’m feeling terribly lost lately and I don’t know where to turn.  I’m up to my ears in debt, I feel like I’m not that great of a mom or wife, I just don’t feel like I’m living the life I should.  I feel like I’m getting screwed and some of it is my fault, some of it isn’t, but it all makes the day to day that much harder.  All I really want to do is stay in bed, read a book, eat some ice cream and repeat.  But I can’t go back there.

The thing is – I know what I need to do.  I just have to actually do it.  I have to wake myself up everyday in the morning, even though the kids are out of school.  I need to take myself for a walk and soak in some sunshine.  I have to work harder at my business and making it work.  I have to quit letting the things that are out of my control make me feel out of control.  I have to remember my worth.  I have to do something, because doing nothing is a vicious cycle of do nothing, feel bad for doing nothing, still do nothing because I feel bad…

So – there it all is.  All the shit that’s clogging up my brain waves and making it hard for me to want to do any damn thing.  It’s out there – now I have to leave it behind.  I will move forward, I will get past this.  I have to.