The whole purpose of starting this blog was all about trying to find motivation everyday to keep myself going. I was just coming off of a huge depression and was really happy that I had started finding the positive side of life. I was feeling better and wanted to share that with the world.
I haven’t posted in a while because I haven’t been feeling that motivated – or positive. I’ve been feeling downright angry and sad. I left frustrated behind a long time ago. But this has to change. I can’t keep feeling this way. It certainly doesn’t make me a better mother or a better person, and though I’m really good at feeling sorry for myself for long periods of time – this is not a talent I want to work on.
So – my plan right now is to get out all of my frustrations in this post. List them out as clearly as I can, and then say goodbye. I plan to leave them behind and start making the changes I need in order to move past them – both literally and figuratively. Wanna hear it? Here it goes!
- No money. I literally have $10 left over after my bills are paid. That leaves nothing to pay back the debts I owe, nor to do anything fun. I don’t have TV. I live in a trailer that my brother owns that he lets me and my family and I live in for free – thank God.
- No real work. I was doing some freelance work, but that fizzled out and so now I have nothing. I have been looking for work, but there are a couple of problems with that. For one, I live in the country and there aren’t a lot of jobs close by. Decent jobs require at least a half hour drive if not more, which means they need to pay enough to make it worth the gas money and the frustration of traffic. Second, I might send out 20 resumes and hear back on one and then wind up not getting a job. I’ve been dealing with this for nearly a year and a half. I have two college degrees and about 8 years of administrative/marketing experience. I apply for other work like retail jobs or cashier or even fast food, and I never hear anything. Gotta love this economy.
- No real work for my husband either. He has a degree in drafting and design and he specialized in architectural work. Though he has a degree and 10 years of experience, he’s been out of work in his field for almost 3 years. He makes pizza for a major chain and makes minimum wage. He gets about 15 hours a week. Again, our location makes it difficult, as does the fact that he’s been out of work for so long. Same for me.
- My weight. I’m super fat. More than 100 pounds overweight – the fattest I’ve ever been. I diet, I try. I’ll do good for like a month – I’ll lose about 5 pounds in the first couple of weeks and then level out for two weeks. I start thinking how it’s going to take forever for me to lose the weight and maybe I’m just meant to be fat and why can’t I eat like I want to and the world can screw themselves – and I spend the next 2 months putting back the few pounds I lost – plus some.
- My kids. It isn’t so much the kids that frustrate me as feeling that I’m not doing as much for them as I should. Growing up, my parents didn’t have a lot of money but I still remember taking family vacations and having a bunch of kids in my neighborhood to play with. My kids don’t have that now. My daughter’s friends all have cell phones, and I struggle to pay the bill for my own. Not that I would necessarily even get her one if I could pay for it because I don’t think that 12 year olds need them, but I’d like to know that I could instead of constantly telling my kids – we can’t afford it.
- My business – or lack thereof. I have been trying, along with a friend, to start our own online business. We have a lot of ideas and some stuff out there, but it seems like people get interested in our services, and then they decide they don’t actually want to pay for someone to do what we do. This all ties back into the “no money” point mentioned above. But it gets harder and harder to want to keep going when I’m not getting any financial return. So I’m struggling with a decision of continuing to try to make my business happen and finding a regular job.
Basically I’m feeling terribly lost lately and I don’t know where to turn. I’m up to my ears in debt, I feel like I’m not that great of a mom or wife, I just don’t feel like I’m living the life I should. I feel like I’m getting screwed and some of it is my fault, some of it isn’t, but it all makes the day to day that much harder. All I really want to do is stay in bed, read a book, eat some ice cream and repeat. But I can’t go back there.
The thing is – I know what I need to do. I just have to actually do it. I have to wake myself up everyday in the morning, even though the kids are out of school. I need to take myself for a walk and soak in some sunshine. I have to work harder at my business and making it work. I have to quit letting the things that are out of my control make me feel out of control. I have to remember my worth. I have to do something, because doing nothing is a vicious cycle of do nothing, feel bad for doing nothing, still do nothing because I feel bad…
So – there it all is. All the shit that’s clogging up my brain waves and making it hard for me to want to do any damn thing. It’s out there – now I have to leave it behind. I will move forward, I will get past this. I have to.
These meatballs are super easy to make, and taste awesome. I make a bunch of them and then freeze half the batch to eat at another time. That way, when I need to fix a quick meal, I can take them out of the freezer, boil some noodles, heat some sauce and I’m good to go.
- 1 lb Italian sausage
- 1 lb ground beef (I use 80/20, but you can use whatever ratio you like)
- 3/4 cup bread crumbs (use plain or Italian)
- 1/4 cup spaghetti sauce
- 2 eggs
Mix all of these together. Just get in there with your hands to mix it all up, it’s the easiest way. Make meatballs that are about 1 inch to 1.5 inches across. If you prefer bigger or smaller meatballs, then feel free to make them whatever size you like. Just remember that you will need to adjust the cooking time accordingly (longer for larger meatballs, shorter for smaller ones.) Place meatballs in two 13×9 glass pans and bake in a preheated 375° oven for 30 minutes. I like to then put the oven on broil for a few minutes to crisp the top of the meatballs, but that’s just my preference. Make sure to watch them carefully because it won’t take long to burn them. Just about 3 minutes is enough for my taste Take them out, move them to a plate lined with paper towels to drain off some of the grease. I find that doing it quickly rather than waiting for them to cool is best. This makes enough for two meals for my family of four.
The total calorie count for the dish by my calculations is 2861. I get 44 meatballs which comes out to 65 calories per meatball. Because I’m eating light, I only eat 3 meatballs with my dinner. They are really flavorful though, thanks to the Italian sausage. If you wanted to make them lighter, you could use a leaner ground beef, or cut out the Italian sausage altogether and use another pound of ground beef or even ground turkey. I find that using all ground turkey has the wrong texture, but that’s a matter of taste. In order to get more flavor, you’ll want to add in some Italian spices.
A few important points to note:
- The more fat content in your meat, the moister your meatballs will be. If you are going to use very lean meats, you will want to make up for the loss of fat by adding in some liquid to make it more moist. I recommend using some of the sauce you will be serving with the meatballs. That way, you are sure to have complementary flavors.
- It is easiest to use Italian sausage that is not in links. However, you can use this and simply remove the meat from the casing.
- I cannot guarantee this calorie count. While I do my best to make it accurate, I’m not a dietician and I haven’t had my results analyzed by the FDA. It’s a very well informed guess based on the calorie counts given on the packages.
- If you have any suggestions or corrections, please let me know! I’d love to hear how you make your meatballs.
This week I started training for a marathon. Those who know me understand how strange of an idea this is. I have always said that if you see me running, I’m being chased so please stop and help out. But I’m actually really excited about it. First of all, I want to get in shape. Second, I feel like running a marathon is so far from anything I ever thought I could do that doing it will just prove to me that I can do anything I put my mind to. I mean, for me – the girl who ran a 12 minute mile in high school – to actually finish a marathon!? It would be a huge accomplishment. Correction – it will be a huge accomplishment.
The training plan I’m using can be found at http://www.c25k.com/ I know that this program is just for a 5k, and not a full marathon, but it’s a start that I feel comfortable with. So far, I’ve only gone one day, but I’ll go again tomorrow. The program is a mix of walking and running. I walk for 5 minutes and run for 1 minute, alternating that for 30 minutes. And I’ll tell you this, running for 1 minute sounds easy, but it’s not. I am so proud of myself that I completed each running section, because believe me, I felt like falling out a few times. When I got back home, my face was soooo red! I had to take a pic.
In other news – we once again had Tuesday grill-o-rama. Tuesdays are my husband’s only night off, so we grill a bunch of food. The food lasts me all week, so I don’t have to cook again except for some sides, and those only take a few minutes. I cooked boneless beef ribs, pork loin steaks, chicken breasts and some sausage. We’ve been eating on that food all week and it’s been so easy. I love it when I don’t have to worry about cooking. Check out some of my recipes to find out what kind of dishes I made!